According to the definition of psychologists, a person's character is an individual set of personal properties that determine a person's attitude to everything around him and are manifested in the actions he performs.

The most basic, basic character traits are laid in early childhood, it can be confidently asserted that already at the age of 5-6 the child has a sufficiently developed character. Already in the second year of life, the boy either demonstrates strong-willed qualities to adults, and by 3-4 years of age, the child has already formed business qualities.

All signs of communicative tendencies appear at the age of 4-5 years, when the child begins to actively participate in role-playing games in a group of other children.

While studying at school, the process of character formation continues, but if parents and teachers have the maximum influence on the pupil of the lower grades, then, starting from the middle grades, the child listens more and more to the opinions of his peers, but in the senior grades the assessments and recommendations of adults again become important.

During this age period, the media also significantly influences the young person.

In the future, the character will change somewhat on the basis of personal meetings, relationships with other people; at an older age, some personality traits change again, but for different reasons.

At the age of 50, a person finds himself as if on the border between the past and the future, he no longer builds grandiose plans for his future life, but it is too early to completely immerse himself in memories. After 60 years, a person already clearly realizes the full value of both the past and the present, he has a leisurely and measured reasoning and actions, even if such qualities were not inherent before.

Can an adult change his character?

After reaching thirty years of age, cardinal changes in character are extremely rare, but still it is never too late to change oneself. A person at any moment in his life can influence those traits of his character that he does not like, there are many methods for this, but the main thing is that the decision to change must be voluntary and conscious.

In such a situation, a systematic approach will help a lot. On a separate piece of paper, you need to write down those character traits that cause irritation, and opposite each write in what exactly they are manifested. Having weighed everything that has been written, it will be much easier for a person to control himself and prevent further undesirable actions on his part.

The process of character formation is long, complex, and it will not be easy to get rid of unpleasant traits, but it is still possible, and the person will feel especially uncomfortable during the first week after making a decision. When control over undesirable traits becomes a habit, it will be much easier to monitor your behavior, and the person himself will not notice how his life and the life of his loved ones will change for the better.

"Please tell me, ? I am 20 years old and I cannot control myself. I can be either angry and aggressive, or kind of normal and calm. And then again I start snapping at everyone, I can get nasty, slam the door. I often take offense at trifles. Sometimes I try to restrain myself, but I’m missing for a long time. I hate myself like that. I have almost no friends. What should I do with myself? "

Victoria Vinnikova, teacher, answers:

Hello Anna. We all dream of getting better. Someone is tired of being irritated and snapping at others, another wants to become decisive and self-confident, the third is tired of being rude and offended. Most often we are talking about stable habits, but at the same time we all want to change our character.

In this article, we will show you 5 simple steps to understanding what character is given to you and how you can fix it.

1. Everyone has their own disposition and special temperament

Obviously, all people are different. One person is nimble and agile from birth, and it may seem to a calmer person that a nimble person has such a restless character. The other is slow and detailed, prone to systematization and analysis. And then an already smart person can say that the first has a boring character.

Someone is overly emotional, someone is more self-contained. We all have our own characteristics, and when characterizing a person, we add different epithets: hysterical, emotional, artistic, withdrawn, etc. And what - all these people need to change their nature and quickly ask themselves the question: how to change their character for the better?

The scientific answer lies in the area of ​​the unconscious, which is studied and disclosed by the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.

When we want to change our character, we first need to understand what exactly we want to change in it, that is, to understand what exactly prevents us from achieving the desired result or makes us suffer.

System-vector psychology gives a clear answer why this or that does not work out in life and how to fix it: at the same time, use your character correctly.

As in the well-known proverb: sow an act - reap a habit, sow a habit - reap character, and sow character - reap destiny.

2. Character - congenital or acquired?

We are all different from each other, but at the same time our desires, properties and aspirations can be combined into groups, which Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology calls vectors.

So the character of each person is determined by his innate vectors.

You can sulk at your character, but that won't change anything. Better to figure out how everything works and fix what can be changed.

3. Habits are formed from childhood

It is obvious that character is formed from childhood. It is there that we do our first actions, which then become habits. Good or not is another question.

All our actions are dictated by unconscious desires for pleasure, asserts the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Therefore, the formation of childhood habits is based on the child's desire to receive pleasure or avoid suffering.

When, for example, the innate desire of a person with a skin vector - by nature fast, dexterous, constantly in motion - is suppressed in childhood and he is forced to "sit upright and not twitch", as a result he develops a habit of fuss and fidgeting.

And if a child with an anal vector, which by nature is circumstantial and unhurried, was constantly urged on and rushed, then from childhood such a character trait as stubbornness is formed in him that outwardly looks as if he falls into a stupor on any occasion.

“… During the training I became the winner of the professional competition“ Teacher of the Year ”. I allowed myself to improvise from the stage (I was afraid before). There was confidence, courage, a desire to experiment. No irritability or nervousness. At least I learned to control myself. Now there is more energy, desire to act.

Thanks to the SVP, with all my passion, without saving, I live and give myself up to life. I allow myself to be filled (in selfishness!), Because I want to give more to others. Previously, she considered it an "honor" to be a "martyr" and to pull the "cross" on herself. Now I have allowed to take off the layer of culture and feel my nature. It is a great pleasure to feel yourself! .. "

The famous inner smile appears already at the free online training on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

There are no ideal people. Each of us can be cheerful, sociable, nervous or withdrawn. There are predominant qualities and it is by them that the character of a person is determined. It greatly influences interpersonal relationships and success in various industries. If the chosen model of behavior causes inconvenience: aggressiveness scares people away, tearfulness irritates others, and isolation does not allow making new acquaintances at all, a person thinks about how to change his character.

What is character

Can you change your character? Most experts believe that this is impossible. This is not entirely true. Anyone can change his character himself and, thereby, change his life. But this is not an easy process that requires maximum responsibility, preparation and a clear plan of action.

It is much easier to change your behavior in a specific situation. Let's say if a person is unrestrained and in anger can shout at anyone, be it a dog, an acquaintance or a boss. Learning to react calmly in conflict situations will be easier than excessive emotionality in life, which can manifest itself not only in irascibility, but also in uncontrollable positive outbursts. Few people like the hugs and kisses of a stranger when he found out about the promotion and from an overabundance of feelings shares his joy with others.

In essence, character is habits, behavior, a stable way of thinking and reacting in various situations. All of this is adjustable. Character is not a rigid system that cannot be reconfigured. It only determines the tendency to act in one way or another.

Formation of character

Before embarking on a change of character, it is important to understand how it is formed.

1. In fact, at the genetic level, character is laid down only by 5%. The remaining 95% arise under the influence of society and directly upbringing. Agree: if you grew up in a different country, family and with different traditions and ideas about the right life, you would be a person absolutely different from your current self.
2. Parents or their substitutes have a direct influence on the child's character. This applies not only to adopting the behavior of adults, but also memorizing the attitudes that they give. “Don't bother, shut up, they didn't ask you” and “Give me back, be the first” contrast strongly. And individuals brought up on such rules will be very different: one will grow up insecure, and the other will become a born leader.
3. With a change in social circle, a person's character also tends to change, adjusting or finding common points of intersection with the environment.
4. There are also age-related features. The younger a person is, the easier it is to retrain. With age, it is much more difficult to change ingrained habits. In adolescence, interests differ from those of adolescence, and maturity and old age also contrast strongly.

It should be borne in mind that the innate ability to change is not the same. As well as inner strength. Therefore, for some it may be harder. And don't despair. And use your maximum patience.

Changing character: how to act

You can wait until the character itself changes in the course of life and in different situations, or you can act immediately yourself. It's time to move on to the question of how to change character.

Steps to take:

• Examine the properties of your character

Without a clear understanding of who he is, all attempts to radically change his temper will be doomed to failure. For several weeks, write down all the character traits that you find in yourself in a notebook. This is a natural experiment, you shouldn't hide something. It is good if, in addition to the basic qualities, seldom manifested ones are found. Let's say in emergency situations.

• Understand the reason for your desire

It is important to understand why you chose to be different. Is your desire true. Otherwise, nothing will come of it. If you do not want change, but someone from your loved ones or your environment, and not you personally, it is better to change the environment, and not the character. It will be impossible to advance without your own motivation. If there are changes in character, then temporary. There is no way without personal enthusiasm.

• Determine the desired result

Many people think about how to change their character for the better, and are defeated in the battle with themselves. This is due to the fact that there is no clear understanding of how the desired character should look in the end. But without this it is impossible to find the most correct and effective ways to achieve the goal. It is better to devote a couple of days to analyzing the existing and desired character than it is pointless to take any action in the hope of a result.

• Find a role model

This is not about thoughtlessly cloning the entire image of another person. But, for sure, there are people in your environment who inspire you or admire you with some qualities. The best way to cultivate certain traits in yourself is to watch how people who have the right character act and react in certain situations.

This is especially important in critical situations, when habitual reactions that are firmly entrenched in the brain will take over your behavior. Imagining what the other person would do can help.

Of course, you can do without this by educating yourself on your own, but this will be a rough guideline that will help you keep track of how well your own work is progressing.

• Find a "soul mate"

A person who possesses your negative qualities in an even more pronounced form. Communicating with him, observing all the consequences of his actions, it is unlikely that you want to become like that. The action of the anti-motivator can also help you realize, periodically remember why you decided to change.

• Tough self-discipline

If it is impossible to control yourself, your feelings and emotions, it is not possible to change your character. Enter a specific daily routine, write down cherished goals, ways to achieve them. By performing some small, at first, actions, through strength, you can develop real strength of mind.

Having got used to overcoming difficulties, all further actions will be done faster, automatically, since the necessary experience has already been gained. You should never deviate from your goals, even if something does not work out, laziness, no strength. Everyone can be scared, but without efforts, nothing will come of it.

• Self-development and elimination of bad habits

The question is not only how to change your character for the better, but also how you will change yourself. These are often interdependent processes. Having a whole list of bad habits that control you, it is problematic to find the strength to change, to develop new qualities.

These or those habits strongly influence a person, shaping his personality. If you want to become fundamentally different, you need to change your life as a whole. Smoking, alcohol or drugs, constant laziness and lack of grooming, a tendency to overeat and nervous nail biting will not help in this. On the contrary, it is worth understanding how they affect your life, why they are present in it and how to get rid of them. Being engaged in self-development, improving existing skills and acquiring new ones, it will only become easier on the path of change.

• Language of the body

Although all changes start from the head, they find their first reflection in the body. It is worth monitoring your behavior on a physical level. Keep your head straight, shoulders straightened, accelerate or slow down your gait, depending on the desired qualities, voice your opinion loudly and clearly, look your interlocutor directly in the eyes.

• Be in a new company, places and situations

To show your new qualities. It is important to change the habitual habitat. Try something new. To work off or consolidate the developed qualities.

• Change your clothing style

This will help to renounce the formed self-image. Clothing can also emphasize certain qualities. To do this, one has only to look at businessmen, hippies and rastamans, athletes, fashionistas or teachers. Everyone's dress code will differ according to their behavior.

• Diary of victories and failures

The transformation process is not easy. To understand which techniques work and which don't, it is important to capture all of these details in writing.

The path of character change will be long, you will have to rethink a lot in life, change even the most obvious things in your behavior. You should be prepared that the transformation may not be to everyone's liking. Therefore, it is important to know why and for what purpose you are doing it. And remember this. Making a difference always pays off.

How often can you hear the words "I can't change anymore" from a person? Indeed, with age, it becomes more difficult to make changes in your life, but this does not mean that it is impossible to do this. To understand how to change character, it is enough to realize exactly what traits you want to have, draw up a plan and move towards its implementation.

What makes up character

The expression "all in a father" or "you have a grandmother's disposition" really makes sense, but only the genetic bookmark is only 7%, and the remaining 93% are acquired traits. Of particular influence on character are:

Upbringing.

Parents not only plant genetic material in the child, but also cultivate a personality in him. They do it consciously and unconsciously. They talk about good and evil, about norms of behavior, etiquette. If a girl is told from childhood that she is strong and independent, in adult life she may have problems with the manifestation of softness and femininity. A boy who is too much taken care of by his mother, grandmother, aunt can grow up to be a mama's son. An overabundance of praise leads to a constant search for approval, and a lack of it leads to an inferiority complex.

Place of residence.

The character of a provincial will be very different from the character of a person who grew up in the capital. You cannot level the difference in cultures. For example, in the East, the bias is towards family and spiritual values. The West is more pragmatic, paying more attention to building a career.

Interests.

They change throughout life. Interests can be both an indicator of character and a means of correcting it. For example, a person who loves to collect car models is probably pedantic, diligent, scrupulous. On the other hand, if a person lacks these qualities, he needs to develop the ability to calm down, to control himself, to concentrate, he should just acquire such a hobby.

Circle of friends. Just as parents influence a child by their behavior and attitude, so friends, colleagues, acquaintances can influence a person. He finds an example to follow, can become dependent on someone else's opinion, borrow other people's hobbies or copy traits.

3 traits you need to get rid of to change your personality

Before you change your character, you need to understand if there is an inner resource. There are factors hindering change, they need to be eradicated.

1. Laziness.

“I'll start losing weight tomorrow,” “sign up for courses on Monday,” “move next winter,” “quit in January.” Planning is great, but you need to make sure that procrastination is about being more convenient, better, and not about being lazy. To do this, it is enough to ask yourself what you can do to achieve a certain goal right now. For example, you want to develop discipline in yourself. This means that you should plan tomorrow, and maybe even today, do everything according to the list. Do not put off the alarm because you are too lazy to get up for a run at 8 in the morning, but force yourself to get out of bed.

2. Low self-esteem.

You need to be able to admit love to yourself. This is the first rule to change. If a person does not love himself, he cannot change his character. The internal state largely depends on the external, and it is much easier to change it. Start simple, change your appearance - cut your hair, change your color, change your image so that you feel more beautiful and confident. Refresh your wardrobe, get a gadget, an accessory that will make you feel more important (this is normal at this stage). As soon as self-confidence appears, the inner voice will gain more weight, it will be easier to make changes with faith in yourself.

3. Negative thinking.

It is in some way associated with low self-esteem. It is difficult for a person who is unsure of himself to believe that a change can occur in his character. It is necessary to throw out the phrases “I cannot”, “I cannot” from the lexicon. A good example is Jim Carrey's Always Say Yes.

How to change character

Can you change your character? Can! It takes time and work on yourself. You have to take 5 steps.

Step 1 - Analysis

You need to take a sheet of paper, but it is better to start a diary for this. Divide the page in half. On the one hand, it is necessary to write those qualities that you want to correct in yourself, on the other - how to achieve this. For example, in order to develop communication skills, you need to communicate more with people, in order to become more courageous - to learn how to face your fears. Once the list is ready, you need to turn it into a plan for what will be done and when.

Step 2 - Side View

It can be very helpful to find someone with similar negative traits. This will help you better understand the problem, consider it. So it will be clearly visible what urgently needs to get rid of.

Step 3 - Role Model

Having realized how not to do it, you should find a person whom you want to be like. This can be an acquaintance, a colleague, or a celebrity in general. The image can be collective: the elegance of Princess Diana, the kindness of Mother Teresa, Melissa McCartney's sense of humor. You need to try to copy their behavior, adopting character traits.

Step 4 - Control

Making a plan is only half the battle; you need to make sure that it will be followed. Self-control is the quality without which it will be difficult to change the rest. It is important to think before speaking, get rid of laziness, control emotions.

It takes 21 days to develop a new habit. You can use the method with an elastic band on the arm. As soon as you notice that a negative trait is emerging, slap yourself with a rubber band. If this is repeated 4 times, the elastic is put on the other hand and the countdown for 21 days starts over.

Step 5 - doing good deeds

A kind attitude and helping others give pleasure, help to feel good, to feel more significant. It doesn't matter what kind of cases we are talking about, it can be something simple. For starters, you can get into the habit of collecting 10 "thanks" a day. Every time a person thanks you for something, send words of gratitude to your mental piggy bank.

Before you change your character, you need to think about what kind of person you want to become and how it will change your life. The more powerful the visualization is, the stronger the motivation and desire to change will be.

In adolescence, people do not often think about how to change their character. As a rule, this thought comes with growing up and the desire to fully communicate with others. A person realizes that everyone around is not obliged to love him if he does not love himself, constantly whines and complains about life, is angry or lazy.

The moment you understand that your character is the cause of difficult relationships in the family or at work, urgent action is needed to remedy the situation.

First step: thinking positively

In fact, bad character is like a bad habit, only getting rid of it is more difficult than, for example, quitting smoking. If you can control yourself and not buy a pack of cigarettes, then there will be nothing to smoke, but unnecessary thoughts are harder to get out of your head.

Remember, your character is your view of life. What you think of yourself will grow and develop in you. Therefore, always imagine what kind of person you want to become.

If you are used to constantly regretting something and telling you how unlucky you are in life, think about what you have. Each person has something to be grateful for: health, children, work, appearance. If you think that there is nothing, this is your chance to start from scratch. The first thing to do before changing your personality is to learn to think positively.

There is an interesting technique that can help you with this. Take a simple money rubber band and place it on your hand. As soon as a negative thought creeps into your head, you immediately pull off the rubber band and “click” - you remember that everything is fine, but it will be even better. The habit of controlling your thoughts and not letting yourself slide into a swamp of envy, resentment, scandals will make you an optimist, and happiness is impossible without optimism. In turn, a happy person is confident in himself, he is happy for himself and for others, gives a good mood to those around him.

Second step: self-love

The second, without which you will not be able to change your character - self-love. Every morning, waking up and stretching sweetly, go to the mirror, smile and say: "I love you." Repeat to yourself as often as possible that every minute you become better, kinder, more confident in yourself.

Such auto-training will set the right mood for the whole day, and having received the correct setting, you will follow it automatically.

Not loving yourself because you don't like your character is pointless. Until you accept yourself as you are, you will be filled with negativity towards yourself, and this only destroys. On the contrary, you need to learn how to create - to create a new person who will correspond to your ideas.

Step three: analyze behavior

Character - a set of habits to react in any way to emerging situations. Given that life consists of repetitive moments, learn to analyze your behavior. It is a great idea to start keeping a journal. Describe what happened to you during the day, how you behaved and how you should have acted.

For example, you want to be more confident in yourself, and today your boss suggested filling out the vacation schedule. You, of course, modestly kept silent, although you dreamed of going to rest in August. Describe the current situation and the reasons for your shyness, make an example of a dialogue with your boss that could take place. The next day with this conversation plan, go ahead and feel free to explain to your boss that August is perfect for your vacation. A few of these situations, and soon you will be able to fend for yourself.

Before you change your character, think about whether you really need it. If you do not experience discomfort in communicating with other people and live in harmony with yourself, you may not need to change. You should not be guided by the opinion of one person who does not like something about you.

Regardless of which personality trait you decide to fight, you will need to follow a simple plan. First, determine what exactly is behind the problem, what caused it, and what you want to replace it with. For example, if you want to stop getting angry about bullshit, start smiling. Studies have shown that the habit is developed within 30 days. This means that if you control your emotions for a month, then after that time the changes will be obvious. If the list of things you want to change is long enough, highlight the main points (1-2) that you will work on first.

Thinking about how you can change your character, you should understand that reflection alone is not enough, you will need serious work on yourself. When a person is not satisfied with his body, he goes on a diet and goes to the gym. Action is always needed to get results. Therefore, having made the decision to change - act, because the quality of your life depends on this.

Anna, Taganrog

Psychologist's comment:

Character is a combination of stable mental properties and habitual standard ways of behavior. Very often a character is described through a set of "character traits". Can you change your character at all? The answer is yes, although it is not an easy task. Character is a secondary education, it depends on personal development. A personality can, in its development, overcome those traits that are unacceptable to it, for example, as the author of the article writes, when "character is the cause of difficult relationships in the family or at work." Pay attention to the fact that there is a difference between personality, for what a person lives (what is important to him, what is indifferent) and character, which determines how exactly the process of interaction with the world is realized. There is even an expression: "A good person with a bad character."

Why does a person need character? It is necessary to preserve the personality itself and those motives that drive a person, i.e. it has a protective function. In order to systematize and simplify life in society, a person accumulates a set of habits - stereotypical ways of behavior (in order not to constantly meet a situation of uncertainty and not to solve constant intrapersonal problems in everyday life).

Remember the beginning of the well-known proverb: "You sow an act - you reap a habit ...". Character begins with an act in an uncertain situation. “In essence, bad character is like a bad habit,” in principle, this is true. But it must be remembered that character begins to build up from childhood around the innate properties of a person: the type of the nervous system, temperament.

The author of the article points out that the desire to change character comes, as a rule, in adulthood with the emergence of problems in communication, when “a person realizes that everyone around him is not obliged to love him, if he does not love himself, constantly whines and complains about life, is angry or is lazy. " The main reason a person wants to change is to receive love, respect, recognition from other people. What lies even deeper? It can be difficult for yourself to get to the bottom of this. It may be a fear of loneliness or an emotional dependence on another person who wants you to change. Here there is a danger of changing oneself to please others, ignoring one's own needs, interests, even fears, i.e. actually "not to love yourself."

Even if you get to the bottom of the truth after analyzing the causes and consequences of your behavior on your own, it can be difficult to implement changes in your life. The psychologist will notice pitfalls, create a conducive environment for you to try new ways of behaving, gain new experiences in a safe but meaningful environment.

What problems can a person face when he decides to change his character on his own? On his way, he is likely to face relapses, a return to the old, with a sense of guilt about this, and as a result - a decrease in mood and motivation for change, he may have intrapersonal conflicts, "rebellion" against the demanding "inner parent" , and he will also find that self-hypnosis is valid for a limited time. And another important point - other unexpected changes will be pulled that will take your attention and time (by changing an element of the system, we affect the entire system). Remember to give yourself time so that change can be incorporated into life.

Now let's take a look at a few individual features that the author suggests working on. If a person is "angry", then it is possible that this is a signal that the situation does not suit him (he wants changes and even has energy for it), perhaps he is pulling an unbearable load, overexerted, or those around him do not hear him.

It is also necessary to understand what it means when a person is “lazy” in each specific case and the reasons for laziness. This can be both chronic fatigue and burnout syndrome. Laziness can be the cause of intrapersonal conflict, when, for example, there are arguments for doing something, but there are arguments against resistance. Maybe an inner feeling of the meaninglessness of any action and, at the same time, a hope for a miracle.

It may turn out that a person has a weak type of nervous system, he needs more rest (others see him as a lazy person), and this is a congenital feature. You need to take into account your own characteristics in the formation of your individual style (then you can compensate for the innate qualities of the nervous system, such as fatigue, excitability, etc.). And here there are already other tasks - to accept yourself, adapt and explain to others that everything is fine with you - you just are by nature. Try to declare your love for yourself! Here, a string of new problems and situations may arise when others will not allow you to be who you are. A person learns his character, as well as his changes, through other people. In terms of "serious work on oneself", one can fully agree with the author. And sometimes it may turn out that a person wants to change the environment, and not change his character.

The author of the article outlines a sequence of three steps for changing character - positive thinking, self-love and behavior analysis. By themselves, positive thinking and self-love, the achievement of these states is already a goal and great value. Here we can already talk about a change in character. “Your character is your idea of ​​life. What you think of yourself will grow and develop in you. " I would call the first step - raising awareness. It is necessary to change the character with a change in the attitude to the world, to oneself (I agree with the author), if this takes root, then we can assume that the character has changed.

One can agree with the phrase that "a happy person is confident in himself, he is happy for himself and for others, gives a good mood to those around him." And a happy person knows his own characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, accepts himself. There is both self-sufficiency and completeness. Other people feel great about our attitude, what to expect from you, and try to be closer.

In conclusion, I would like to add that a person is growing, changing - this is normal and natural. You can change spontaneously under the influence of the environment (opinions of other people, society, circumstances), or you can cultivate what you think is important to develop or keep in yourself. Train your skill like a muscle! Therefore, it is important to discuss with other people and experiment. It is most effective to do this with a professional psychologist.

Psychologist-consultant Natalia Sushinina